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Controversial Debates
How To NOT Design Your Kid’s Room – A Cautionary Tale
I love a good cautionary tale, where you get to hear how someone else messed up their life in the name of you avoiding repeating their mistake. I hesitate to write this like I do all things where I have to go back on a design decision, but it has come up a lot with my friends recently, and a warning to you all felt necessary. So here is your dose of “blogger Schadenfreude” for the month – If my failures make you happy then today is your day. I feel pretty dumb, but all design failures are great lessons to learn, risks are taken, and therefore pitfalls are constant. You see my wonderful daughter who I honestly can’t say enough good things about now “strongly dislikes” her wallpaper (she knows not to say hate, but that’s the sentiment). Her room is so freaking cute and she will absolutely admit it, but to her, it feels like a little girl’s room. And she is 9 1/2 – NOT a little girl anymore. So let’s back up and go step by step on how we got here:
2020 – We finally got into escrow on our home and we were so excited. We lived in lockdown at the mountain house which is famously neutral. “why doesn’t our house have any color” was the consistently taunting question.
2021 – We moved up to Portland and while renting a house nearby I started designing their rooms – desperate to start doing the fun stuff (and to avoid thinking about the daunting renovation that felt neverending at the time). Elliot LOVES design, color, and pattern – she wanted to be very involved and boy was it fun to do it with her. I know we shouldn’t label our children but this girl is extremely enthusiastic and easily excited about all the things (likely a 7 enneagram like her mother, although she has STRONG 3 tendencies – also like her mother). She wanted to be a huge part of the process and honestly, it was just so fun for me – zero regrets on how I went about it, by the way. She is so hard to say no to. We went on Pinterest together and most of what she loved was a hard no for me (unicorns, fairies, etc – both of which I like but I knew she would regret those as wallpaper) but what I gleaned from her is that she wanted color and pattern – AND SO DID I!!! But as she aptly puts it now, “I was six, Mom. Who lets a 6-year-old make a long-term decision?”. LOL (She’s 9 1/2 now).
We decided on this awesome butterfly wallpaper by Schumacher which I honestly thought had more negative space, but regardless it is indeed fun as heck. While it was busier than I could handle in my own bedroom she loved it and we designed the room around it. We didn’t use temporary wallpaper or pre-pasted and I’m not even sure if the wallpaper installer primed it beforehand (which would make it easier to remove). That’s all to say this paper isn’t permanent, but it’s not easy to take down either.
2022-2024 – She loved her room – I mean, it’s incredibly cute. I won’t claim that she knew how lucky she was to have her mom be a designer who creates this as her job (she’s a kid, it’s not her job to instinctively know how the world is run and how privileged she is). But I do know that she loved it… for a while and felt really thankful. She showed it off to her friends proudly and we gushed together about how fun it was and how it represented so perfectly her personality.
2024 – Now. Well, she grew up. Starting about a year ago (so like a year after it was done) she got it in her head that the wallpaper is for little girls and no one wants to be older, bigger, or more teenager-y than an 8-year-old girl. It started small and not bratty at all, just comments like “When will I be able to redo my room?” and I didn’t shame her for those comments, I want her to express what she wants, but I also didn’t comply. While I was of course annoyed with an internal “WTF??”, I realized quickly that the annoyance was with my past naive self, not her.
It’s My Fault…I Know!!
So let me be very clear, the culprit here is ME, not her. She is a sweet pre-tween who wants her room to have the flexibility to grow with her changing styles. I was the mom that wanted to put hot pink butterflies on my 6-year-old’s walls without playing out the long game. It’s totally normal to reject the “little girl” style as you are trying to find your own voice and independence into the tween years. DOH.
What Does She Want To Change It To?
Purple. Chartreuse. Lavender. It changes daily and with passion. She currently HATES hot pink, but I think that’s because her cousin currently hates it. She also is “over” Taylor Swift in favor of Olivia Rodrigo, which she will likely be over soon. Now you might have a kid that doesn’t care about design/style in which case you might be able to take a big design swing and they won’t want to change it ever. But I think because of my job, my kids actually want their rooms to look like them, they care about style. Their brains are rapidly growing, therefore their personalities are developing daily, which means their personal style is shifting at warp speed. These tween years are wild (I love them so much) because they still sleep with stuffies and yet fight me about not letting them be YouTube Stars (nope). She’s begging for crop tops and to wear heels and makeup, claiming she’s “almost a grownup” and I have to actively shut my mouth to not blurt out “Girl, you don’t like vegetables yet”. She’s just being exactly the age that she should be, stretching and pushing and doing it totally respectfully by the way. I LOVE watching them right now become their whole own person. (If you don’t follow Lisa Damour you HAVE TO – she is the best teen psychologist on the internet and loves celebrating all things teen and is FULL of incredible mantras and advice).
Kids are meant to grow, change, push back, seek their own identity away from their parents…Which is why I feel badly about my mistake – I should have never made a big semi-permanent style decision in her room when she was 7, even if she did want it. I locked her in to hot pink butterflies and cute or not, they don’t feel like her anymore.
What Should I Have Done Instead?
Just painted it a relatively neutral color or white and let her decorate it however she wanted it. It’s what I did for her cousins’ bedroom (seen here) which I think is the right move. furniture that can grow with them, but enough negative space for them to show off their personality – nothing stylistically permanent. The rooms that they love on TV are full of posters, polaroids, and SO MUCH CLUTTER – these little relics they collect that provoke emotion and start to build their identity. So by putting a busy pattern on her wall, with butterflies, and in bright colors she feels locked in and she’s not wrong. She still puts posters all over it and rearranges everything all the time to look a bit “cooler”. I love that she cares and that she feels empowered to have a personal style and to voice it. I just wish I hadn’t locked her in so much.
So What Are We Going To Do? Change it?
Nothing for now. I mostly deflect (it comes up a lot) but when pushed I say that when she is 13 we can revisit the conversation (which will be 6 years from install – she does NOT like this answer as it feels like 50 years away). When REALLY pushed I’ve told her she can save her money to take it down and paint, but we both know that’s dumb and unfair. This was my fault, not hers and I am the one that needed to be taught a lesson that she gets to witness. Now don’t hold me to the 13-year-old thing, who knows, but as of now, it’s not changing anytime soon. She also recently mentioned wanting to move into the guest room when she’s a teen so she can have her own bathroom because “Mama, a boy and a girl teenager can NOT share a bathroom” which is 100% not true (but with two bathrooms up there she’s also not wrong to conclude they might each have their own space at some point). If she moves into the guest bedroom then we could keep this one as a really whimsical guest room or maybe by then I’ll let myself off the hook and peel it off. But for now, we aren’t doing anything about it. It feels far too wasteful to only have it for soon to be 3 years especially when I should be a far better example on the internet. I have to live with my mistake (it’s also so cute still so it’s not as painful for me:))
Lesson Learned…
But what I won’t do again and what I urge you not to do is lock your kid into a very specific style especially when they are entering their tween years. I actually think her first or second nursery (both light tree murals hilariously) had more longevity than this one, so I really did make an egregious choice. I love the energy of this wallpaper but it’s a lot, it’s everywhere and it does skew younger (especially if you do NOT want to be little anymore). I think some patterns and colors have more age/style flexibility so if you are inclined you could probably still go for it. And I think changing a room is not abnormal, especially for those of us who really enjoy doing it with our kids. But giving them room, space, and time to find and change their style in their one and only personal space is really important to them and I kinda blew that one.
With Charlie (my 11-year-old boy), he LOVES his room as-is (neon lights, skateboard lamp, posters, a big round chair) so until he wants to shift or asks for my help I won’t be investing time/energy/money into it (I think he’s afraid I’m going to make it too girly which I get, LOL). Every now and again he says “I want a hammock in my room” where I say “Ooh that would be cool” but I’m making no such moves for a while.
Had I not wallpapered her room, Elliot, my bright, happy, extremely fun to be around 9-year-old would have decorated the hell out of those walls, peppering joy everywhere in there with or without me. It wouldn’t look as well designed, balanced, etc, but it would have allowed her to experiment and have more fun in the only space she owned. I got caught up in our collective enthusiasm for color/pattern which is dangerous when I’m the one that is supposed to be the reasonable adult with a fully formed brain. So when she says with a smile “Mama, did you really let a 6-year-old make such a big decision…aren’t you the grownup?” I can’t help but laugh. She’s totally right.
The Moral Of The Story
While most of you probably wouldn’t do this in the first place, but just paint the room a simple color. Make some style choices with lighting, rugs, curtains and bedding – all things that are easier to move to another room or store should they tire of it. But don’t lock them in while their personalities are changing so rapidly.
Also…stencils and wall stickers FTW. Paint a stripe or a scallop – there are so many either really temporary or more timeless choices out there:)
Opening Image Credits: Design by Emily and Elliot Henderson (and ARCIFORM) | Photo by Kaitlin Green | From: Birdie’s Bedroom Reveal!! Designing WITH (Not For) Your Kids, And How We Exploded This Room With Color
Hmmmm. I remember the wallapaper discussions when you were in the process of deisgning Birdies room, and I must say I was never really sold on the butterflies. In my opinion, while it’s cute, it’s very very busy.
I think it’s normal for her to want to evolve her space, we as adults tweak our homes to reflect who we are all the time. So I must honestly say that I think you should honour her wish in this case and re-paint the bedroom. That can be the compromize, you get to pick the paint colour, she can decorate her walls after that with whatever she wants. Good luck :-)
I think that the obstacle here is that removing wallpaper is a very long and labor intensive process that usually involves hiring a professional to take it down and repair the damaged drywall underneath. It would take a few days and a lot of money to do this, all for a room she designed only a few years ago. Real wallpaper isn’t something you can just paint over, so I would suggest getting a ton of posters and magazines and try covering a entire wall with Elliot’s favorite pictures to create a visual break from the wallpaper in a way that feels personal, expressive, and teenager-y.
You can absolutely just paint over wallpaper.
You can, but it leaves lines where the papers meet, and is not a great look. Also, going forward in time, itʻs a nightmare, and doesnʻt get any better. Impossible to remove with paint over it without gouging the walls. Try not to paint over wallpaper. Unless you have some secret way of making it look ok, please tell us everything about that
@Priscilla: Chat GPT to the rescue!Step 1: Assess the Wallpaper Ensure the wallpaper is in good condition—no peeling edges or bubbles. If it’s textured, consider using a skim coat of joint compound to smooth it out. Step 2: Clean the Wallpaper Wipe it down with a mild detergent and water to remove dirt and grease. Let it dry completely before proceeding. Step 3: Apply a Primer (Key Step!) Use an oil-based or shellac-based primer (not water-based). Water-based primers can loosen the wallpaper adhesive. This creates a barrier between the paint and wallpaper, preventing moisture from seeping in. Apply one or two coats and let it dry fully. Step 4: Choose the Right Paint Use a high-quality latex or acrylic paint in eggshell or satin finish (easier to clean than matte). Avoid water-based paints that might react with the wallpaper glue. Step 5: Apply the Paint Carefully Use a roller for smooth application and a brush for edges. Apply two thin coats instead of one thick coat, allowing it to dry in between. Step 6: Future Removal Considerations When you’re ready to remove the wallpaper, score the painted surface with a wallpaper perforation tool and apply a wallpaper remover solution or… Read more »
hhhmmmm… I did not know one should not paint over wallpaper and did so upon moving into my home 20+ years ago as a temporary fix to the existing curvy metallic AND striped wallpaper (it never stopped moving -oof!). As it turned out, painting over the offensive wallpaper helped -or rather, hastened- it’s removal. Clearly mine was not as professionally installed as is the case here so I would just say that whether or not to paint over wallpaper may depend on the situation..? (I’m pretty sure the ‘grass cloth’ on the walls in the living room is actually contact paper -like the kind you line drawers with?- and I do intend to remove it before painting in this room : ).
ps. I’m 50-something and love the wallpaper in question ; )
My Mum said I could take down the wallpaper and re-paint the room myself if I wanted mine changed. I might’ve been a little older than B at the time, but did it! She hired a spike runner and steamer and off I went.
As a result, I WILL NEVER EVER USE WALLPAPER when decorating as an adult :-D
I am really really worried about all the young/younger people putting wallpaper e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e…… They are only doing it because they have never had to strip it off. Anyone who has lived through the horror of wallpaper stripping will, as you said, NEVER USE WALLPAPER AGAIN.
I’ve removed several rooms worth of very difficult to remove wallpaper…and still plan to put wallpaper up in my house! The pattern and color of wallpaper is just so hard to replicate, and I like both. BUT I am also carefully considering what I want and where I want it (I’ve been sitting on a particular wallpaper design for a couple of years now)- and I also do all house projects on my own, so the cost of both installing and removing/patching walls/etc. isn’t as high as hiring a professional.
wow you are being really hard on yourself! hating stuff is also what kids that age are supposed to be doing, i.e. distancing from their younger selves, hating on stuff, pestering their caregivers. you did exactly what she wanted, and this is her chance to learn the cost and value of things, and it’s also her chance to start peeling away from mom a little bit…. my kids are just a bit older and it’s a bummer, but it’s what they’re supposed to do. mom has to be a bit lame, a bit of a bummer, and someone who says “no” a lot. seems to me like all is going as it should in the Henderson house.
this wallpaper would look better with MORE stuff layered onto it. paint the trim; add deeper curtains; rugs. add MORE. then she gets to pick stuff for her room while still getting some distance from her 6-year-old self. creativity flourishes inside limits.
Yes well said! If you went dark and moody with everything that is not the wall paper you could get a fairly grown up grandmillenial mood. Darker tones on furniture- maybe you 2 could paint or recover the velvet headboard and bench… it could get very sophisticated ! Or you could steam the paper off together and call it a lesson. She can move to the art barn when she gets uber teenagery !
You have so perfectly captured the pain of parenting at this stage! Our job is to calibrate the level of hardship so they learn from it but aren’t eternally traumatized.
I like this. Maybe this is a chance for her to play with experimenting with large form art and even swaths of fabric and experiment with making the best of something she doesn’t like. Like huge folded paper wall sculpture or mesh fabric she can attach things to. She’s so creative, this could be an opportunity.
Yes! Or, hang a big quilt over a large portion of it. More pattern somehow makes less chaol, itʻs magic
yes – creativity flourishes inside limits
I always thought the room would sing if there was some wainscoting on the walls in a bright color about half to three quarters of the way up. It could provide her the choice to paint the trim and make the emphasis less on the butterfly print. And let her paint the rooms/trim herself! I know not having things professionally painted might be sacrilege but one of my favorite memories of my childhood home was painting a mural wall with my friends and I’m really happy my parents gave me that ability.
Yes, this!
Exactly! There is a lot to be learned from having to live with a decision you made, even when you change your mind.
As someone who grew up with a busy wallpaper with dancing panda bears on it and was more of a punk/riot grrl, I totally sympathize with your daughter. I also put posters and magazine pages over it! Please don’t be hard on yourself and your decisions. It’s okay if not everything “sparks joy.” We can make due.
I put up a single wall of removeable wallpaper in my girls’ room – they must have been 6 and 7 or so, and were sharing a room (even though they technically each had their own room). I remember asking myself “how long will they like this?”, as even spending the $400 plus my time to hang the wallpaper seemed like a commitment, and I def felt the design was a little juvenile. And yup, by age 9 (for my oldest), well, my younger daughter was now back in her own room, and the wallpaper had to come down. (Thank goodness it was quick and easy to remove, without any damage to the wall! It was from this company, which I have hung peel and stick wallpaper from three different companies, and this brand was the best: The material is thin and actually sticks; many other brands are almost too thick, and then they don’t stick, and will bubble/peel up. Must Wall Studio’s product is superior for sure, in my experience.) We redesigned my younger daughter’s room when she was 7, height of covid. I had so much fun with it, definitely asked for her opinion but sourcing was limited… Read more »
That House of Hackney wallpaper is bananas amazing and your daughter is wrong, haha! Sorry girl, bathroom counts as common space and mom makes the decision sometimes.
+1; that wallpaper slaps.
I did the same thing with my boys – 1 wall peel and stick and I let them have some input but also picked something that could work in an adult room (in case we switched it to a guest room). One has blue whales but they look like they are drawings from a vintage textbook and the other one has a mural with a sky clouds – which as he’s got older (he’s 9) he’s covered with plane and space posters and made weird handmade planes he’s hung off the ceiling.
The older one wanted rainbows and unicorns wall paper when he was five and I was like “buddy, let’s buy all of the unicorn tshirts and rainbow leggings and pink sheets but we’re not them sticking on the wall”. Which turned out great because while he still likes unicorns he reads books about them but wears AC/DC t-shirts.
Which is to say Emily is 100% correct – don’t let little kids make big design choices as even if it is perfect they’ll change their mind.
I agree that you’re being way too hard on yourself here, and I think it’s okay to teach Elliot to own her decisions as well (yes, you okayed the choice, but it was ultimately HER choice, not yours) and be creative in making the space work until it is financially feasible to remove the wallpaper. And I actually think that the idea of having her contribute some saved money (even a symbolic amount) if she wants to speed that time frame up is reasonable.
While I think that children need to learn consequences, I think holding a six year old to an expensive wallpaper decision as a form of consequences is misguided. That said, explaining that removing wallpaper is prohibitively expensive and setting limits that encourage creativity with guardrails is reasonable.
100% agreed. It’s okay to make a 6 year old own their choice if they picked a chocolate ice cream and changed their mind because their sibling wanted strawberry but not something like this.
Encouraging creativity sounds like the way to go!
Why wait to paint it? I know the right thing to do is remove the wall paper, prep the walls for new paint, etc…but here, I’d take a shortcut and just paint right over it…this weekend. And with the wallpaper under the paint, she can have at it with taping and tacking things to the walls, knowing that once she heads off to college, you can properly remove it and fix the walls. The butterflies to me are overwhelming. I could never live in that room, and I’d hate it every time I entered the room. Let her have some peace in her space – paint it!!! NOW!
I was thinking the same thing! I have painted over wallpaper – you can do it, the wallpaper police won’t show up at your front door!
So much this.
Agree. And then let her do whatever she wants with it. Emily can stop thinking of it as a design project, no need to post photos and just let it be her daughter’s private space. Will be a relief for all involved.
Or put a very quiet removable wallpaper over the top? that’s obviously a little more expensive, but may also be easier to remove later (sometimes painting wallpaper makes it harder to remove) or even just go back to the butterflies if at like 16 she’s into it again.
Parenting is so hard. I basically gave up control on my boys’ rooms starting around Birdie’s age. One never hung a single thing on his wall until he left for college (and then it was an IU flag) and the other has literally wallpapered his entire room with comic book pages and movie posters. I just wanted to say, as always, I appreciate your authentic voice. Big hugs.
Honestly, I would change it. You’re acknowledging that you should have made different choices, but you’re telling her it’s her room and she has to live with it. I’m confused as to why it has to be that expensive to change out. I would set aside a weekend and make it a family project, strip the wallpaper, prep and paint. It’s not something you have to hire a professional for.
Even if it’s a crappy paint job, it’ll look good for the photos which is all Emily needs for this site.
Exactly this!
She might hate it now but in a few years she’ll be super nostalgic about it and look back with fondness.
This too, shall pass!
I’d chill and let her just make the most of it. It will stretch her own creative chops. The average kid doesn’t get to decorate their room beyond sticking things on their walls, so she’s in the same boat as all her friends but possibly with a funnier story.
I couldn’t agree with this more.
So I guess it’s bad timing to say again how much I just love the wallpaper? Especially with all the posters on it.
where did you find the green and white quilt? I love it!
It’s likely from Schoolhouse
It’s from Schoolhouse! The Stillwater Floral Quilt.
I would just remove the wallpaper. We all make mistakes (design and otherwise). Lesson learned: In a kid’s room, paint is always better than wallpaper — and easier to change as they change.
Parenting sure is humbling!
I suspect one of them is going to migrate to the other bathroom/bedroom space regardless as they get older and it could be a real delight as a guest to wake up surrounded by butterflies. Do I want my permanent bedroom to have butterfly wallpaper? Probs not. Would I stay in a hotel with butterfly wallpaper for a fun change of pace? Sure would!
I totally agree with this. I think the solution is let her move to the guest room and start fresh as a “mature” 9.5-year-old and make it how she wants it. Since there are two bathrooms upstairs, why not let each kid use one? Sure, siblings CAN share a bathroom, but why force them to if it isn’t necessary? I don’t know how often you have guests staying in your house, but perhaps the kids could temporarily share when guests come if you want the guests to have their own private space. This way, you get to keep that BEAUTIFUL (and I’m sure expensive) wallpaper in what would be a very fun new guest room!
This is my favorite solution! I do love that room and that wallpaper and it would make a fun guest room!
YES to guests delighting in a stay here!
This is my favourite solution too. It seems like a total win all round – a brief moment of whimsy for your guests, your daughter is free to decorate with a simpler backdrop, and you get to have that paper, which you loved, in your house for a lot longer.
I still love this wallpaper and bet she turns 13 and will like it again. Kids change their mind all the time, it’s up to us parents to guide them or say no.
I agree this is a distinct possibility. Waiting for another 3.5 years or so and seeing if she gets back to loving it seems very reasonable. And if she doesn’t, it will make an excellent whimsical guest room.
I have children so I understand that when they get something into their head it’s hard to get it out and they are desperate to be older than they are. But that wallpaper doesn’t seem little girlish at all to me – if you can jostle her out of that thinking it seems quite grown up to me.
I think the lesson here would be to teach my kid acceptance, tolerance and making do. They can continue to plaster the walls with posters and art until…. who knows, they fall back in love with butterflies. Sometimes these details become very fond memories as adults — keep perspective :)
I lost count of how many times you blamed yourself in this post but I think you are being needlessly harsh. When I was 5, yes 5! My parents let me pick the carpet for my room. It was 1980. I picked a lime green shag carpet I fell in love with on the show room floor. I picked yellow walls to go with it. I already had a yellow and 2 toned green dresser so I think even then I was already trying to coordinate things. Then I picked a yellow and green gingham bedspread from the JCPenney catalogue. I had to live with all of that until I was in highschool and I ripped it all out myself, painted and wallpapered myself and sewed curtains and a pillow to match my new scheme. No shade for my parents in letting a 5 year old make choices. To me it was empowering and affirming even if I did get sick of it. Maybe at 9 she’s critical but maybe as a adult she will look back and think “wow, my mom valued my opinions even when I was little”.
This reminds me of that great scene in “Tootsie” where Jessica Langue is telling Dorothy about how they chose her childhood wallpaper pattern. It’s a sweet, nostalgic moment in the movie. One day your daughter will see photos of that room and she won’t believe that she got to have that dream bedroom if only for a while! You leaned in! It’s so fun! Next up: Mom, I need a vanity and a tiny fridge for my skincare. Buckle up!! :D
Lesson learned.
That said- maybe not wait for you both to feel good about the room. You’re heavily into crafting and making. Maybe the “answer” is for you both to take the wallpaper down together. Maybe your husband and son join in too.
That way, you’re showing her that while remedies could be expensive, they don’t have to be. Do a DIY removal and then let her choose the paint and y’all paint it together. ?
Love the honesty here! If you’re going to change it in a few years anyway, why not do it now? A kid’s bedroom is so important as a safe space / calming energy / refuge for them (at least is was for me as a preteen/teen)—I say if you have the money, go for it and make a change to something neutral that will grow with her. Life is short, and this is such a small thing you can do in relation to all the Very Big Things (or at least that seem big to her) that happen in a teenager’s life that you can’t control. Don’t beat yourself up about it, just roll with it! (Though I have to say—I love that wallpaper ?)
I love your honesty here! It would be much easier to avoid talking about the tension between you two!
As a mom of 9 and 7 year old girls who share a room, I’ve had the experience of letting go of my own ideas of what a perfect styled girls room would look like and embrace their vision of what they want. Which is less of a vision and more of a hanging up art, diys, pictures, etc. My older daughter recently said “i don’t want to paint the room, because we’d just cover it up with pictures/art.”
My hot take is that you should go ahead and change it sooner rather than later. The wallpaper has served it’s purpose- she loved it for a while, you were able to document it for the site and to inspire all of us, and now she’s ready for something new. It’s a bit of the sunk cost fallacy at play here.
Whatever you do, thanks for sharing!
Sarah – love you bringing up the sunk cost fallacy! I work at a business school and this is such a great example of economic theory driven by human behavior. I’ll quote Hazel Hayes here (not an economist, but not everyone knows how cool Austan Goolsbee is ) : “This is the sunk cost fallacy; the human tendency to continue investing resources in a less desirable alternative, simply because we’ve already invested some significant, irretrievable cost. I say human tendency because this kind of decision-making flies in the face of rational thinking—a robot would never. It was originally an economic term referring to the literal costs incurred in running a business, and the error in reasoning when applying sunk costs to future decision making, but it applies to all kinds of choices…”
Such as wallpaper!
Absolutely! Keeping the wallpaper up isn’t extracting more value from it if B doesn’t enjoy it. And the initial cost really “paid” for not only a couple years of use, but also the experience of designing a room with your daughter and, frankly, documenting it to earn money via the blog. Time to move on though – although I agree that B should be involved in its removal and helping to repaint (it is her space after all!).
Emily, you are beating yourself up about this WAY too much.
you know if you let her choose something new at 13… by the time she is 14, she will tell you “who let’s a 13 year old decide???” :D
Thank you for being so real. Hey, it’s a good lesson, grown ups make mistakes, too. We’re all learning, we’re all works in progress. It’s good for kids to witness this, and I appreciate Emily being honest, taking responsibility, and not immediately spending lots of money “fixing” it even though I’m sure a sponsor would be happy to jump in. Real adulting in the real world. :) Love this very much.
There’s nothing wrong with making a mistake – this was your first time parenting and designing with a six year old, and you learned a lot. The lesson I’d want my daughter to take from it is sometimes we make mistakes, and sometimes other people are impacted, and when that happens it’s our job to do what we can to rectify our mistakes so others aren’t suffering from them. Which all leads me to, take it down now, paint the room neutral, and move on. You say: This was my fault, not hers and I am the one that needed to be taught a lesson that she gets to witness….I have to live with my mistake (it’s also so cute still so it’s not as painful for me. Right now, however, she’s not just witnessing the lesson she’s the one living with it (which also currently seems to be more about punishing yourself for the mistake than about fixing it). And as you say, she’s really the one experiencing it, as she has to live in what feels like and overwhelming and “little girl” room. And there are other decisions you made with the farmhouse that you’ve already changed. Why… Read more »
I think this is by far the most reasonable, balanced view and whole heartedly agree! Take the opportunity to teach her how to own up to mistakes that impact others.
It happens, I am sure many can relate. As kids start to develop their own opinions and taste we want to support and encourage them, and we can’t always see further down the road. Good advice to keep walls neutral.
It sounds like sunk cost fallacy to make her wait. Wallpaper isn’t a usable good that you can wear out before you replace, like furniture or bedding. There’s little difference between now and later (if budget allows)..
All I have to say is the style decisions of a child change like the weather, wait six months and she could love it again. Wallpaper is so tough to get off, you are making the right move just leaving it on. Dont be so hard on yourself, we all try a little bit to re live our childhoods with our kids and do all the cool things we never got to have. You went all out, be proud of that!
Completely relatable. I also think you’re being too hard on yourself. I have kids the same age – everything you’re saying is right, and oops! Made a bad call – it happens (like, in my life, a lot). I think it’s ok to role model making mistakes, taking responsibility appropriately and trying to learn from them, and then moving on. Why not go ahead and repaint? It could be a family project. I was removing wallpaper with my mom at her age – she may enjoy it. You can play Olivia Rodrigo til your ears bleed while you peel :).
But maybe remember – I would say this to a friend, because I’ve been reading your blog forever and we’re the same age so I feel like you’re a friend – not to be so hard on yourself? Because we’re modeling that too and that hasn’t always turned out great for us as a generation of women. Thanks for being so honest – it’s helpful for all of us!
I am in my 30s and I LOVE it. Agree with the other comment, if it’s not coming off, and MORE. Let it get really busy. Curtains! Rugs! Fill those walls!
The loss of money is the same if you take it down today or 3 years from now. I would take it down, cut your losses and let her decorate. Its sad and unfortunate but she would be so happy and then you don’t have to live the next 3 years with the stress of it all. I’m not about ‘giving in’ to kids every request, but if you truly think its ‘your fault’ then give yourself the permission to let it go and move on.
Emily, I really appreciate your honesty and vulnerability sharing this. I think you’re being really hard on yourself, but also that maybe it would make sense to remove the wallpaper sooner rather than later. Keeping it up seems like a sunk cost fallacy, which I am very susceptible to: it was really expensive, and it feels wasteful, costly, and difficult to remove, but, if no wallpaper is ultimately where you both want to be, you can model owning your mistake and not beating yourself up about it or making her living with the results. No wallpaper will mean she can have more freedom to experiment and express herself, which, as you said, is huge at this age. I love how confident she is in her style (this is something I still struggle with!) and think removing the wallpaper could help show her that taking a risk can be risky—but personal style is a really safe for experimentation.
I agree – remove it now, paint it white, and let it stay that way for several years at least.
This.
Oh gosh. I just let my 9.5 year old paint her bedroom DARK purple. It’s not wallpaper, but it is dark.
FWIW, I love the butterfly wallpaper. It’s beautiful.
Kind of in the same boat here. My son and daughter shared a bedroom in our old house, and a big promise was “when we move you can decorate your own room!” My then 5-year-old daughter chose lilac paint, and I went along with it (a toned down version) and it made for a sweet little girl room. And now at 10, she’s done with it. It’s not as dramatic as your wallpaper but she finds it limiting because she wants, say, cute seasonal sheets at Christmas and that’s tough to do with lilac (a warning if you end up caving on Olivia Rodrigo purple). We do plan to paint it neutral but it’s got high walls and weird angles and I am dreading it.
I feel houses evolve as a family grows. Why not let her start fresh in the guest room with her own bath? If you can’t tackle the wallpaper yet, yes, make it a whimsical guest room. Your own family who resides there is more important than an occasional guest. And a grandma or fun friend would love being up there with the kids and sharing a bathroom. If you really have an occasional VIP staying, give them the luxury and privacy of your primary suite and you join the kids! You’ve mentioned many times that Bird may be very similar to you…perhaps these are the early foundational years for becoming a second gen design star!
Been there! Not a wallpaper mistake, mine was simply “over designing” my daughter’s room when I should have given her a blank canvas to work with. My question is probably dumb: why can’t you just paint over the wallpaper?
Have you ever considered ‘tweaking’ the wallpaper by painting some of the brightest hot pinks and blues a different color? (cream?) Yes it would be a pain but I don;’t think it would take too long to make an impact and tone it down.
Everyone! Everyone with kids or spouses who want the walls to be purple or techno green! There is an easy solution to this! Get LED lightbulbs that can be any color in the rainbow. There are so many options: uplights that wash the wall in color, bulbs for the boob light or a lamp that change color, even Christmas/fairy lights that can be orange or pink or whatever color you want. Then the walls can be neutral and they can change the LEDs to whatever they like.
How about the two of you decide together to paint over one wall as a start. Take time choosing the color, use those big color samples. Maybe in a few weeks paint a second wall.
Down the road it is really not that hard to remove wallpaper that has been painted over.
Good luck !
I feel like she is still so young and may change thoughts pretty often. There should be a few easy solutions to try:
I must admit when I saw the title of today’s post I initially feared you were ready to jump feet first into redecorating your daughter’s room. And my first thought was what a sad lesson to teach her – no matter the cost, time, waste, or energy expended, once your ever-changing taste morphs, throw it all away and simply have fun redecorating. Kudos to you for not immediately taking that route. You can still validate her feelings but perhaps suggest that you and she work together to find changes, without removing the wallpaper now, that would make her existing room reflect more of who she is right now and will become. She sounds like a smart girl and she is surely sensitive about caring for the earth. You are both creative!
I suspect she will remember this situation for many years (maybe into adulthood!)
Would you prefer she remember you telling her to live with a room she dislikes after acknowledging you made an error? (And when you’re a designer with a design blog that profits from sharing design transformations… And after spending a lot of money removing a too-large sport court that *you* didn’t like…)
Or would you prefer she remember a Saturday spent removing wallpaper with her mom, because her mom wanted her to have joy and creative freedom in her bedroom, even if it meant the *dreadful* task of wallpaper removal? :)
Don’t be so hard on yourself! Teach her that we make mistakes, and some mistakes are costly in time/money. Best to live and learn!!
I don’t recall EM saying if the wallpaper was coming down SHE was going to do it herself. And therefore that was one reason she wants to delay changing it.
This post was so timely for me. I was literally going to order wallpaper this week. My (also) 9.5 yr old daughter and I picked a really fun 70s equestrian wallpaper for her attached bath. (Our home was built in the 70s, so isn’t as whacky as it sounds.) I also got carried away with our combined enthusiasm, but had a niggling fear she’d want to move on quickly. Now I’m considering using a peel and stick version of the wallpaper on her flat panel doors. That would be a cinch to change/remove down the line. I’ll have to mock it up and see if that’s too weird! THANK YOU!
BTW – I LOVE the butterflies! If I were a guest I’d be delighted to stay in such a whimsical space.
I think that’s a really fun compromise that will save you a lot of trouble in a couple years!
The same thing happened when my daughter was this age. She swapped her room with our guest bedroom, but a few years later she wanted to switch back. The same plan could work out for you, but another option would be trying Gretchen’s wall fabric DIY over the paper. It seems like that would work as long as you carefully remove it in the future. It would be an affordable temporary way to update without sacrificing the beautiful wallpaper she might change her mind about later.
Is Gretchen’s wall fabric DIY trick applying liquid starch-saturated fabric to the walls? Supposedly it’s easy to apply the fabric panels and also to remove them without damaging the walls. I think this would be a good fix if Emily wants to keep the wallpaper for a long time, like after the children grow up and leave home. I agree that bedrooms are sanctuaries, and tweens and teens need a space that they feel very comfortable in. I really doubt that Birdie is going to change her mind anytime in the next 10 years about the wallpaper, especially since it’s such a hot button for her now. I would think of either starch fabric plain panels, removing the wallpaper, or painting the wallpaper as a step in Birdie’s development in design and just really becoming an independent young woman. And also the wallpaper was content for the blog as it is so striking and eye-catching. It has served its purpose and now it’s time for a new one.
Also, modeling flexibility, having an open mind, and really listening to Birdie is really more important than getting your money’s worth in the wallpaper.
Gosh I have so many thoughts about this. I can’t say, “I told you so,” because I didn’t…but when you revealed this wallpaper was going up years ago, I had a feeling this would happen. Don’t get me wrong- I LOVE it and love everything about this room- but I remember being her age, and the wallpaper is just too bold and whimsical to have any longevity. Maybe if it was confined to her (personal) bathroom, she wouldn’t be so bothered by it…but a kid’s room needs to be a neutral canvas upon which they can paint and repaint their constantly evolving personalities and interests. I remember when I was 8 asking my interior designer mother for a “pink and purple” room. So, she put up subtle light pink wallpaper, had a beautiful duvet made out of pink Schumacher fabric with purple violets on it, a custom slipper chair made out of purple taffeta, an antique French bed…it was truly a gorgeous room. Lo and behold, 3 years later, I went to a friend’s house whose older sister had a RED bedroom. I thought it was just the coolest thing ever. So moody and edgy and sophisticated. So, I came… Read more »
Whoops, don’t know if my first post made it, but I am 1000% in the prime and paint over the wallpaper camp! Your daughter can and should work alongside you to “fix it”.
Worry about stripping it later…
Or don’t ever worry about stripping it. Just paint over it and there will probably be no need to take down the paper. If it looks bad over time, you can deal with it later. I say paint! You’ll get lots of blog posts out of it so that will help with the cost of design #1 and the new design.
Or maybe paint 3 walls and leave one wall of butterfly paper. She may come to love it again.
Omg. This is my life with my tween daughter and son. I feel so seen!!!
Emily, kudos for you for sharing this process. I must say, I just love your daughter’s green bed and bedding!
There will be lots of changes ahead, and not ones that can be reliably predicted. A pink and purple person can become a goth overnight. Etc. We can count on even cool suddenly becoming uncool if the parents like it
I had one child who wanted everything beige and lined up against the wall. We all survived.
Awe, I think that was such a lovely and sweet thing you did for, co-decorating her room with her at such a young age. I bet she will have such sweet, sweet memories of this regardless of changing tastes. Kids are unpredictable. My nine year old is still happy with her ultra-sweet trailing floral wallpapered room. We will see if it lasts :)
Sunk-cost fallacy. She’s not going to want to go back to the butterflies. I’d change it, and I love the idea of painting right over it. No need to do it “right” while her taste will change quickly and frequently.
I think you’re being too hard on yourself! Consider this a learning experience for both you and your daughter. How powerful to teach our young ones that even us grown ups can learn from past decisions and change our minds.
I don’t have kids, but I have lived in a lot of rental places over the years that included permanent design choices I would not have made myself. My bedroom in one place had a 60s wallpaper of skiers on the wall that I hated and pretty soon covered with fabric. In another, I had an apricot-coloured toilet and basin that I also hated, although in this case I ended up just leaning into it (there wasn’t much else I could do). I think it’s perfectly okay for kids to live in rooms they don’t love at every stage of life (especially when those rooms are ones they initially created themselves and they are basically living with their own decisions). It’s good practice for adulthood and learning to make the best of situations that will often not be of your own choosing. As far as my own childhood bedrooms go, after I got my own bedroom at the age of 9, I grew out of the first iteration fairly quickly (it had blue walls and floral curtains; I don’t remember having a say in it) but was 15 before I got the chance to redecorate it to my own taste,… Read more »