ALL RISE. Design Court is back for round 2, and it is now in session. I’ll be overseeing today’s proceedings as your dedicated prosecutor, defense attorney, judge, and jury. (To be clear: design court does not follow standard courtroom procedures, nor does it stand up to any real legal scrutiny. But I am a Libra, so you can trust that I’ll be both very judgmental and very fair.) Today’s defendant: doorless walk-in showers. The charge? FRAUD. You may be seated. Let us proceed. 

Opening Arguments

I’m an average American who, like most folks, lives in a home with a standard shower. I grew up with a builder-grade tub/shower combo, rented basic apartments with budget-friendly showers, and now have dedicated shower stalls in my LA apartment and my Delaware home. (I’m not going to lie: both of these showers are pretty tiny, and they don’t necessarily provide the most enjoyable experience. The former is a 3’x3’ 1930s tiled number that feels akin to bathing in a coffin; the latter is a standard plug-and-play cheap shower insert with room for your body and…not much else.) 

All this to say: I have not grown up in the lap of shower luxury. I am not accustomed to grand showers. AND THAT IS HOW I KNOW THAT THE DOORLESS WALK-IN SHOWER IS AN ABSOLUTE MONSTROSITY. Over the past year, I’ve had four run-ins with these bathing atrocities: one in a high-end Philadelphia hotel, one in a rural Irish bed and breakfast, one in a basic Delaware hotel, and one in – dare I say it – my employer’s home (!!!!!!), and each shower left me reeling. WHY IS WATER EVERYWHERE? WHY IS EVERYTHING WET? I’ve questioned my own sanity: am I dumb? Do fancy shower designers have a special bathing technique that I, a basic normal person, am not privy to? But no: it isn’t me, or my soap application style, or the way I rinse my hair. IT IS THE DOORLESS SHOWER’S FAULT, AND IT MUST BE STOPPED. The world has been tricked by beautiful photographs. These showers promise a hotel spa environment at home; in reality, you’re left freezing in a swamp. Today, we will bring these cruel shower frauds to justice. (There will be no defense opening statements, because I am the tyrant of Design Court.)

The Prosecution

Allow me a moment to break down my case… 

Assault with Cold Draft: Oh, did you want to be warm in your shower? TOO BAD. No door or curtain means that all your steam escapes, leaving you standing in a freezing cube. There’s a reason that the giant shared gym showers of yore didn’t make their way into our homes: because it’s cold and uncomfortable to stand – soaking wet – in a big, barely-insulated space.

Indecent Exposure: To that end, there is NO PRIVACY! (This goes double at the W Hotel in Philadelphia, which boasted the nightmarish combo of a barn door bathroom entrance and a glass wall separating the shower from the bedroom. WHO DESIGNED THAT?!) With a doorless, curtain-less shower, you’re visible from the hallway. The toilet. To any guest who enters, should you forget to lock the door in your own home. There’s no privacy. Is it worth it? NO!

Cruel and Unusual Valve Placement: This is where I’ll give kudos to Em’s walk-in shower – she placed controls both on the exterior wall and the wall opposite the shower head, which did make for a far more enjoyable experience. But to everyone else, I say: SHAME! You better be bare naked and ready to get hit with a blast of icy water when you turn this puppy on, lest you find yourself standing in your clothes and totally soaked. (Learned that lesson in Ireland.) Who enjoys this?????

Reckless Endangerment: I know that the plans had a beautiful sloped floor, and the perfect linear drain, and that everything was plumbed to draw water away from the rest of the bathroom. BUT IT’S ALL A SHAM. Your bath mat is soaked. Did you accidentally leave your underwear on the floor? Too bad, they’re soaked! Did you think that your laundry bag would be safe in a far corner of the bathroom? YOU FOOL – IT’S ALL SOPPING WET NOW, just in time for you to shove it back into your suitcase before a day of travel. Oh, did someone want to sprint into the bathroom after your shower wearing only socks? Lucky them – they can enjoy wading through puddles in their now-damp socks. (Is this getting too specific?) And it’s SO MUCH WATER, you guys. In Ireland, Den and I burned through our towels trying to keep the floor dry, and our Airbnb had a special heated room that could expedite the drying process because this happened to EVERYONE. Give me a door, a curtain, a ledge, anything, PLEASE!!!!

Embezzlement of Budget: The true horror: you are paying more for the trouble! The additional waterproofing, the floor slope, the linear drains – they’re more expensive than any standard tub or shower. I don’t love my little $1,000 shower insert by any means (and believe me, I have big dreams of remodeling once I finish settling my mom’s affairs and have a moment to breathe!), but even that little ugly white fiberglass number provides a less stressful bathing experience. (Like, imagine this novel concept: the water stays where it belongs and doesn’t leave me with a cleanup project afterwards!)

The Defense

OKAY, OKAY. I’m being a bully. And I will concede that there is at least one legitimate use case for these nuisances.

Aging in Place: Last year, my mom and I became regulars in the handicapped suite at a local hotel. We didn’t have a first-floor shower in our home, so I’d pack Brenda and all of her essentials up in the car, drive her across town, set up our shower stool, and then I’d give her a nice little scrub down. (Her cancer caused something called Paget’s Disease, which meant that any movement could – and often did – break a bone. Loudly, and terrifyingly, and frequently. It was really horrible!!!! I am still trying to process it!!!)

ANYWAY. This was the only way my mom could bathe, and for that reason – and that reason alone! – I will give some doorless showers a pass. That being said, she was still freezing her little tushy off any time the water wasn’t hitting her core! There was no steam to keep the room warm, and it took a lot to get her body temperature back up. It’s hard to give a really good shower to another person without getting yourself wet in the process (I found that wearing a sports bra and workout shorts to be the best outfit, FYI), and at that point, we might as well just be getting soaked in a regular shower. Easy access does not eliminate one’s need for a door! (This isn’t even defense, at this point. This post has just turned into a tirade. C’est la vie! Can you believe this is a job?!)

No Squeegee, No Problem: I mean…I suppose there’s little to no glass to spot? No tracks to scrub? No hinges or seals to fail? I guess that’s all a plus, in the same way that, like, having no windows in your house would also reduce your cleaning load. (Read: it wouldn’t, because now you have a whole new mess to handle.) But to each their own?

Character Witness: I will concede: they are beautiful. Nothing blocks light or airflow; they really do help a bathroom feel like a spa. And they can even be done well! I will even admit that I did enjoy Em’s – I cranked the temperature up to 140 degrees from a wall unit outside the shower (obsessed with that level of control, TBH), opened the window for a nice warm breeze, and the installation was precise enough as to not totally soak everything in the room. (Hey, W Hotel Philadelphia, you should have some Lake Arrowhead contractors out to help fix your showers!!!) But I am not a world-renowned designer – I am a mere mortal – and I do not trust us regular folk’s ability to successfully execute (or operate, TBH) these showers without causing a big ol’ mess in real life.

Closing Arguments

I mean…this one feels open and shut, folks. THROW THE BOOK AT THE DOORLESS WALK-IN SHOWER. Do you want a perennially wet bathroom? What are we even doing here? Is it worth being cold every day in the pursuit of a beautiful room? How far would you go for design? In this case, I argue: we’ve gone too far. PULL IT BACK. This ain’t it. You deserve better. And I do, too!!!

Verdict & Sentencing

The doorless walk-in shower promises…well, I’m not even sure what it promises. It’s pretty, I guess? But there are lots of beautiful ways to build a shower that don’t involve being a little uncomfortable all the time. SHE’S GUILTY OF FRAUD. This is blatantly false advertising – it’s a beautiful image on Pinterest that turns into a frustrating chore in real life. We can no longer stand idly by as innocent homeowners across the world are FOOLED by this visual trickery!!! The sentence? LIFE IN PRISON. Maybe some time behind bars will teach this doorless shower that a little enclosed space can – sometimes – be just what the doctor ordered.

You know what the funniest part of this is? This thought experience has inspired in me a newfound appreciation for my dinky, dingy, tiny little showers. They’re not much to look at – I might even argue that the LA shower is, uh, a little gross after a century of use – but they do their job! They keep me warm and clean, and they’re a-okay in my book. May we all find such peace with our own bathing situations. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, KEEP IT ENCLOSED!!!

Now, what say you? Please share your hot takes. Anyone want to file an appeal?!

Opening Image Credits: Photo by Sara Ligorria-Tramp | From: Mountain House Reveal: The Upstairs Guest Bath That Used To Be A Closet