My daughter was not just a Santa enthusiast, no, she was a Santa extremist. She truly believed in the magic of Santa, that he could bring her ANYTHING she asked for and she was hilariously willing to believe all the “flying around the world going down chimney stuff” from the movies. This was funny/cute when she was little, but as her fantasy wish list grew to things that cost thousands of dollars, we were getting ready for her to know the truth. We were battling about what Santa can and can’t bring way too often and then last year she was disappointed on Christmas morning that he didn’t build her the gymnastics gym that she asked for (that we told her repeatedly he couldn’t do). I also genuinely felt bad for her – she really thought he could do that! Brian and I both hoped this was the last year. Charlie had found out two years before – he straight up asked, realizing that the “facts” were impossible. We told him his hypothesis was right and he moved on to be part of the magic for Elliot, which he loved. But Elliot was simply not willing to consider that Santa wasn’t this Christmas God who could deliver whatever she asked for. Her love for him was so extreme, adorable, and very fated to not end well.
Brian and I both agreed early on that we wouldn’t lie to them re: Santa (no judgment if you took a different path). As the fourth child in a Mormon household, Santa wasn’t a thing by the time I came around (Jesus was more of the focus). I don’t have nostalgia for Santa magic, but we wanted our kids to. It’s a rite of passage! Whenever our kids asked us if Santa was real (starting at 5), we deflected with the “Well, I sure hope so” or “What do you think???” When Charlie asked the last time (at 8) we could tell he already knew and he needed his parents to affirm his logical thinking. It was easy and we didn’t regret it. I knew that Elliot might take it harder, but I didn’t predict what would happen.
So we started letting things slip a bit, getting a little sloppy on purpose. They found the Easter candy bags the day before Easter and she discovered her tooth fairy notes in our nightstands. Little clues in hopes of her figuring it out on her own. It’s not like I wanted to tell her and strip her of her innocence, but the battle was exhausting and it just felt like she was old enough anyway. I didn’t need Santa to love Christmas, would it really matter?
In August we were snuggling in bed and she must have been thinking about Christmas (a real enthusiast, like her mama) and she turned to me and asked, “Mama, are you and Daddy pretending to be Santa? Is Santa real?” I deflected at first – “Why are you asking right now? I mean, how could we bring all the toys for everyone in the world,” etc. But she pushed one more time, “Mama, seriously are you and Daddy the ones actually giving us gifts from Santa?” So I did it. It was a split-second decision that I didn’t discuss with Brian but again, we had both agreed that another Christmas of her asking for a $2k tumble track and then being disappointed that she didn’t get it was not ideal. So with a wink and a whisper, I said, “Girl, you figured it out! Now you get to be part of it!” She smiled at first, probably feeling clever.
She came down a 1/2 hour later, besides herself bawling. It all fell into place (which is common) – The Tooth Fairy? The Easter Bunny? The one time during Covid we leaned hard into St. Patrick’s Day with green poop in the toilet bowls?? She asked question after question, crying, and genuinely angry – so sad and sooooooo betrayed. We were both crying – I felt TERRIBLE and all of a sudden Brian questioned what I did, placing a tiny bit of blame on me, even though we both had agreed on the plan!!! Mother of the year over here.
For the next three months, aka “Our Santa Grieving Period”, she brought it up 2-3 times a week. In the car. Before bed. While watching a movie. Legitimate tears. She’d lament out of nowhere, “There is no joy in Christmas now”. Other times she was actually mad, accusing “Why do all the grownups lie to all us kids??? How is that OK???” Of course we talked through how she gets to be part of the magic, blah, blah, but none of her friends know the truth yet so she actually just feels really burdened with this HUGE LIE that they are victimized by, too! It’s very existential to her – and she is TOTALLY RIGHT. She says over and over that she is glad that I didn’t lie to her face (I have apologized profusely for the egregious societal lie). We’ve both cried about it – me feeling terrible that I ruined her sense of wonder and innocence around what was our favorite holiday and her grieving the passing of Santa Claus, a jolly soul that she genuinely loved the idea of.
I’ve thought a lot about what I would do differently. I’m glad I didn’t lie to her (and she might be even more angry with me in 2 years if I did). She was thinking critically and asking me, her trusted caretaker, a really serious question. I just wish I had deflected and evaded the truth for one more year. Why didn’t I pretend I had a bathroom emergency and then come back with a new topic? Just one more year might have made the difference as her friends (in 3rd grade) will likely find out soon and she wouldn’t have to carry this secret for too long.
A couple of weeks ago she told me that she is still looking forward to Christmas, excited even. I almost cried in relief. I asked her if she has always had a really fun Christmas and she said “YES!!” so enthusiastically. I reminded her that it was always us, always about family, and will continue to be us – “we got you, I promise!” And in case you think we are all monsters, of course, we talk about the real reason for the season, how it’s not just about presents for us, the spirit of giving, helping others, etc. But listen, they are kids and Christmas is a lot about presents at their age. So I’m trying to just validate the feelings and move on to creating magic in other ways instead of lecturing about privilege (which we all know doesn’t work, thanks Dr. Becky).
I know that I’ll laugh at myself later for feeling so badly about this, I know that in the scheme of things this is nothing and she won’t be scarred forever. But if I had to do it again I wish I had simply deflected (not lied) and evaded the full truth for one more year.
I’m pretty sure this is one of those dumb topics that works us all up – I know many parents who kept the lie up til high school, most where the kids never asked and it just faded away (my dream scenario), and ultimately it’s not a huge deal. But I was really, really sad for a while that I had stolen her sense of wonder around the holidays and now I have to/get to create it in other ways (you don’t have to ask me twice!!). Hopefully hearing another perspective can be helpful if you have younger kids and are managing this precarious Santa situation. xx
Opening Image Credits: Kaitlin Green | From: The OFFICIAL First Farmhouse Christmas! (+ A Great Ribbon Hack And My Dream Color Palette)
You did the right thing. Now move on to showing how the magic of Santa lives on in all of us.
I think you were absolutely right in telling her. Her questions to you were so pointed and direct!
Deflecting for another year would have been so confusing for her belief system… This sounds hard but just fine! And now, she still can trust you and knows if she asks you something earnestly, she can trust your answer.
Good parenting there, Mama! <3 you got this!
Such a hard call, but you did just fine, I think. She may have grieved hard even in a year, and it sounds like with good parenting, she’s been working it out. My husband and I disagreed on the santa approach (our kids are adults now). He didn’t want to lie, but I wanted the magic. When our first kiddo was very young, I consoled my husband saying that we wouldn’t have to even lie for a while because our son wouldn’t ask at a young age. Wrong! We saw a mall santa when he was quite young, and when we got home he immediately asked if santa was real. However, after some careful deflecting (what makes you ask that? etc.) we figured out that he was confused and kind of scared (i get that!) of the mall santa. We clarified that the mall santa was a person dressed up for photos and he was visibly relieved!
Wow did this bring back memories . I remember one Christmas, we were at my brother’s house and my niece (only child) mentioned ALL.THE.GIFTS she received from Santa. My son looked at me devastated and asked why did Santa bring his cousin all those gifts and his sister and him received only a few. I quickly said because the parents send the money to Santa for their gifts and your uncle has more money than us. That satisfied him. He did become very concerned when my daughter (5 years younger) seemed to still believe in Santa, worried she would start high school and still believe. She put us straight one night and told us she had known for years Santa was not real and just gone along with it.
Oh, Emily. My heart goes out to you. You were in an impossible position, one all of us who participate in the magic of Santa find ourselves in. Your story is reminding me of when I was 8, in my room with my mom and older brother. I really wanted to know. I remember my mom had tears in her eyes, too, as it all clicked in the exact same way—wait. No Easter Bunny? No tooth fairy? But what I remember most was the love of my mom, who was with me through the whole thing. There’s no perfect way this could have happened and, as a loving mom, there would always have been aspects you questioned. But please maybe try to focus on all of the loving things you did 1000% right. It’s so so so hard, being a parent and navigating all these choices. Big hug.
Could have been worse! From 2018:
In a Christmas Eve call, Trump asked a 7-year-old named Collman Lloyd whether the child still believes in Santa Claus.
“Are you still a believer in Santa? Because at 7, it’s marginal, right?” Trump asked Collman.
I was a very trusting kid who believed in Santa until I was thirteen. I started to have doubts but then my parents got us a book that purported to have archival, documentary evidence as well as firsthand accounts that Santa existed, and I believed the evidence. I was humiliated when I found out in a very public way in seventh grade science class. Now as an adult, I’ve never done Santa with my kids. My mom fills the stockings and we’ve told my five-year-old daughter that when asked. (And thankfully my extended family is all on the same page.) My daughter knows that Santa is a character, just like Elsa and Anna in her favorite movies, and we’re so grateful that Grandma fills our stockings with lovely gifts. (And she gets to help fill Grandma’s, which she loves!) But she also knows that some families tell their kids that Santa is real, so every family is different. We don’t want her to ruin the surprise for everyone else. Anyway, just wanted to provide another perspective for people who feel uncomfortable implicitly lying to their kids about Santa by secretly filling stockings (even if they always technically demur when asked).… Read more »
We started doing Toys For Tots shopping with the kids when they were under five. They’re college aged now. When it came time for the Santa talk, we explained that anyone who cares about bringing magic to someone else at Christmas is carrying on the spirit of Santa. So parents are Santa and kids can be Santa as they get older. We truly love our Tots shopping and see how much thought they put into picking things out that will bring joy to a kid they’ve never met.
I believed in Santa until I was 11 and my 6th grade teacher very publicly told me the truth. I was devastated and felt betrayed by parents for lying and stupid for believing the lie all those years. I intentionally didn’t do Santa with my son, and it was hard since daycare took Santa pictures and every holiday event had a Santa. And adults often ask “what do you want Santa to bring you?” Vs a more neutral “what’s on your Christmas list?” He flat out asked when he was 4 if Santa was real. He’s interjected several kiddie Santa conversations with “he’s not real, your parents buy the presents.” Thankfully, the influence of his classmates parents is stronger than my kid’s proclamations. There’s so much fun and magic at Christmas even without Santa Claus or the idea that gift givers are immolating Santa.
Aww Birdie! <3 She has such a beautiful heart and healthy sense of wonder! I’ve always loved your mom-daughter relationship with her and find it so inspiring as I start to raise my own.
I don’t know if this could help at all but we lean hard into the true backstory of St Nick and it brings so much joy to my kids (ages 1-11) and to me!
If you have any drives or crafting sessions coming coming up this audio version is magical and beautiful:
Part 1 (14 mins): https://open.spotify.com/episode/30grhu4wMkboQfqDdVEB93?si=bd93ut4TTHuAGfzgCZuCFg
Part 2 (18 mins): https://open.spotify.com/episode/5PoviwzGAMRL8pOFKdKZnH?si=kO_bEld1RJ2VUyjdQJ_NTg
Gah – parenting!… Maybe a silver lining could be that you are showing her how to be a parent when your kid is deeply disappointed.
I think it’s normal for kids to be a bit disappointed when the find out Santa Claus /Father Christmas isn’t real. But guess what, they get over it and it’s a life lesson that prepares them for much bigger disappointments to come (sorry, but true).
I find it slightly offensive and a little bit moralistically judgey for people refer to the ‘Santa Claus lie’. It’s a folktale and a tradition and a good way to communicate, via storytelling, the act of giving and receiving.
And truth be told, it’s a delightful and enchanting ‘lie’.
I grew up with Fr Christmas, but I also grew up with baby Jesus, Midnight Mass, carols in the park and Advent so Fr Christmas /Santa doesn’t have to be the sole focus for kids, and that applies if you’re of different or no faith traditions.
Finally, and different subject, but I’m bemused by the green poop. As an Irish Catholic, I’ve never heard anything like this in relation to St Patrick’s Day. Or any day really.
Trying to think what on earth that could be…
Sounds like you had a very full Christmas season. I grew up with just Santa. Christmas was secular and the only activities outside of baking Christmas Eve cookies set out for Santa and opening gifts from Santa Christmas morning was visiting the one house in town that did such a big light display that police had to direct traffic. So yes, finding out that my parents and all the other adults in my life helped keep up the lie was devastating. Sure did it probably help me with disappointment later in life or be super practical? Maybe, but it sure eroded trust between my parents and I that never recovered.
I think an instinct not to lie to someone you care about is almost always a good one to follow. And it seems like it would be even harder for her to find out later, possibly from other kids who wouldn’t handle things gently or think about what she needs.
I honestly think you did exactly the right thing. It will mean a lot to your relationship that you told her the truth when she asked even though the truth was difficult for both of you.
My daughter asked the same question when she was 5. Like you, I told the truth. Some of her friends have always known that Santa wasn’t real. But she went back to believing in Santa anyways. She is now almost 8, and I think she likes the magic too much to let go of it, and it’s completely ok!
Also to soften the truth, I have always left some clues : we play Santa’s elves for each other (she helps me set up gifts for other family members), and Santa’s gifts are always wrapped in the same paper as the one I buy. It’s not a full lie, more of a myth !
oh i feel for you. went through this about 5 years ago and it just made me hate societal pressure!! i was never a big santa person – it was only gently presented in my childhood household – and it’s hard to know how to balance. it is a hard transition but she’ll be good!! don’t beat yourself up about it for sure. there’s no “right” way and these conversations come up unexpectedly.
Aww, parenting is hard, kids are all so different, and we’re all just trying to do what we hope is best. Mine is 7.5 and has always had a healthy dose of skepticism. We think she knows, but is just playing along for the fun of it, and for the gifts. At this point, I don’t think we’d abruptly cut it off though, knowing that it will happen eventually. We’ve definitely responded to her questions with “what do you think?” and a smile, and will continue to do so until she feels ready to move on (or until she gets teased or moves to college. Lol). Thanks for sharing your story.
Not my business, but if it makes you feel any better, I don’t think you did the wrong thing by not waiting another year at all. It sounds like she was understandably upset about the feeling of being misled. The deflecting you describe sounds a lot like misleading to me. Deflection would have been an attempt to distract her from the truth she was beginning to see on her own, even if she wasn’t ready to admit it to herself. Letting go of childhood fantasies is part of growing up. It seems to me that enough tears have been shed here. If she sees you continue to beat herself up over this, she will feel encouraged to believe you have done her a great wrong, when you haven’t. She also may become fearful of growing up, instead of learning to accept and even embrace it. Sounds like it’s time to move on and have a nice Christmas together.
I can totally relate to the sadness of watching your kid grieve, don’t get me wrong. But if you need to hear someone tell you they totally agree with what you did, then look no further.
I think that you did the right thing in just telling her when she asked. I also love that you took her reaction seriously. I had an Elliot-level reaction when I found out about Santa and my parents just told me to stop being ridiculous. I was older than Elliot when I found out (11) and they told me that I didn’t really still believe anyhow, I was just pretending. I recall asking what else they were lying about. I got in a lot of trouble for that. My husband did not grow up with Santa, so it was easy for us to decide to just not do Santa with our kids. We told them that Santa is a fun game that people play, that we are all pretending together and not to mess up the game by telling kids that Santa isn’t real. This worked well with my oldest- he loves stories and being in on the joke and knowing things other people don’t know. Just so you know you can screw this up either way you go- my oldest has told us that he wishes we had done Santa. He felt left out of the holiday magic and… Read more »
As our kids made the realization, we’ve just talked about how much fun it is that so many people enjoy the anticipation of the season together at the same time. It’s such a fun time of giving and pretend for all of us!
I’m sorry this has been so hard for Elliot! If you had waited one more year though I think there’s a good chance she could have found out from a friend, which might have been even harder on her. Think about it this way: the way it went down she had to grapple with the “societal lie”, but she probably felt secure in her understanding that you hadn’t lied to her which I imagine was really comforting. If she had found out from someone besides you and Brian she might additionally be grappling with a feeling that you two had hidden the truth from her. I think you made a great choice when she directly asked you. Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas this year and every!
Have you considered sharing with her about St. Nicholas who truly existed and is the origin of the Santa Clause myth? Millions of people around the world still venerate his memory and December 6th, his feast day, has some lovely customs and traditions that celebrate his love for the poor and goodness to all. Perhaps having a way to continue that love and happy feelings towards St. Nick would help to feel like less of an abrupt end to her love of Santa Clause and also help to reframe whether or not Santa Clause is real or not… No one ever out grows a love of St. Nicholas, so that is something she could carry in her heart forever linked to her happy memories of Santa Clause!
Emily, I honestly don’t know how you could’ve handled this better. I think you did the right thing—deflecting wasn’t really a choice since Elliot was asking you so directly. Not a lie, exactly, but pretty darned close. With that said, I feel her grief, and I’m so impressed by how she’s able to articulate her feelings about all this at such a young age. She suffered a huge loss, and adding the burden of making sure not to spill the news to her friends must’ve made this doubly hard. What a sweet girl.
Anyway, thank you for sharing this. I know you’ll all have a wonderful holiday, Santa or no.
What a sticky situation the entire holiday period can be. This too shall pass and her big feelings will wain, but its hard on our mama hearts, I know. You didnt do anything wrong, its just had to watch the real world creep in to the hearts and minds of our kids, who we want to stay innocent just a bit longer. Hugs.
Whenever our three children questioned the existence of Santa, we told them that it was up to them to believe or not believe – but if they didn’t believe they ran the risk of him not showing up on Christmas Eve. The questions stopped They’re 28,26, and 22 now. We still ‘believe’ in Santa coming – it’s the shared belief in the magic of the season.
Don’t beat yourself up about this. Given her specific questions, you didn’t have much choice. It takes me back a few years when my little next door neighbor, also 9, was at that wanting-to-believe/not-believing stage. Her mom asked me if I’d write a reply to a Dear Santa letter because her own handwriting would be a giveaway. I wasn’t comfortable impersonating Santa but figured I could reply as an elf and keep a little magic going. Despite the tears, it sounds like your daughter is ready to make her own Christmas magic just like her mom!
(Image attached of my faux elf correspondence)
Aww, I’m sorry it was so hard. I think you did the right thing, though. Who’s to say the reaction wouldn’t have been stronger in a year, or that she found out in the interim and felt more betrayed? We will never know. My son was a VERY intense Santa skeptic, and it was very tricky. Lots of what do you think, etc. I always felt bad skirting the truth. (And he mentioned more than once how we lied to him.) At nine, I bet Elliot has friends who DO know, and might be pretending for their friends too! There are probably more kids in the know at that age than not. She has learned that she can survive being really sad, mad and disappointed, and that it’s ok. She also knows that you can handle her strong emotions, and yours too! I totally understand wanting another year of magic for her, and also, reality isn’t so bad either. And gosh, if she doesn’t have the *perfect* mom for Christmas FUN! Good job, mama. One day, it will be a funny story she tells.
This hits hard for me, because I had a similar experience to your daughter. I was the same age, when I demanded my mom tell me the truth. I had figured it out, but really needed to hear it from her. I wasn’t bothered that Santa wasn’t real, but I felt downright betrayed by all the adults in my life that kept a years long lie going. I vowed never to lie to my kids about and thing, and have kept that promise… The flipside is, my kids want to believe in Santa (and the easter bunny, tooth fairy, etc..) so bad, they think I might be lying about him not being real! You can’t win!?
You can’t win! Some kids are more sensitive than others by nature and there is no one “right” way to do it.
This is hard! One thing that may be helpful is — there was a real St Nick! And he was is awesome and his spirit lives on. One person really did plant the seed for so much magic and generosity and that IS a miracle. He visited kids who didn’t have much and made Xmas special for them. I’m sure there’s a good book on it somewhere — when I was growing up my mom would often remind me that he was real and we all just carry on in his spirit. (She’s a theologian.)
Thanks for sharing. We have a similar approach, are right behind you, and coming up on this milestone. One thing a teacher friend shared with me is that when Santa brings the big gifts (expensive or just literally BIG since kids don’t differentiate) it makes it hard for kids who get less. They wonder if the kids who get more deserve more. So that changed our approach to Santa gifts being smaller, lower stakes, often things we think they will love long term but aren’t the most thrilling thing to open. I think that has also made Santa less of a big deal and focus of Christmas (but also puts us in the hot seat in terms of them asking US directly for the big things. But that’s something I’d rather navigate anyway vs helping them understand that Santa won’t bring a pony.) Anyway, just sharing in case that helps others.
Oh wow, that’s a tough one for sure, especially when she’s SO INTO it. I was the same with my kids, not lying but sidestepping. We’d also gently manipulate what the kids would ask for from Santa, aligning with what I’d already bought. A friend tells her kids that Santa can only bring things that they have the blueprints for at the Workshop, which is near-genius I think. But ultimately, the grownups lie to the kids – it’s just that most kids don’t ‘get’ it as deeply as yours does. This too shall pass, hang in there!
This is a really interesting topic to me as a Jewish mom. My kids always knew Santa wasn’t ‘real’ but we (as my parents did with me) explained to our kids, this is part of our friends’ holiday experience. We taught them not to say anything about it when their friends would talk about Santa. I never disabused anyone of believing and (I think) neither did my kids. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to do it…and some kids just take their awakening harder than others. Don’t beat yourself up!
Unfortunately I had to tell my son about Santa not being real when he was only four. I was putting him to bed on Christmas Eve and the poor child was terrified at the thought of a stranger coming into the house, so I really had no choice. I would have loved to have had the fun of preparing for Santa’s visit for a few more years.
This was a very sweet and honest thing to write. I don’t remember the transition with my kids, but it was probably around the same age, and honestly maybe my daughter, who is four years younger than me her than her brother, just got a truth bomb from him at some point. But The Polar Express is a very poignant story about this very issue of believing in Santa, and I think eventually kids can see the magic sound of the bell even when they ‘know’ that Santa is fictional, rather, symbolic of the spirit of giving that we all have the responsibility to propagate. Merry Christmas!
This was a very sweet and honest thing to write. I don’t remember the transition with my kids, but it was probably around the same age, and honestly maybe my daughter, who is four years younger than her brother, just got a truth bomb from him at some point. But The Polar Express is a very poignant story about this very issue of believing in Santa, and I think eventually kids can see the magic sound of the bell even when they ‘know’ that Santa is fictional, rather, symbolic of the spirit of giving that we all have the responsibility to propogate.
We always answer “If you don’t believe, you don’t receive” & if they are really little, mention how disappointed I was the year I said I didn’t believe – because that was the year Santa stopped bringing me gifts! 😄
Thanks for sharing, Emily! I think you did a good job in this situation, don’t be too hard on yourself.
That being said, coming from Germany this lying to your kids about who brings the gifts is weird to me. I grew up always knowing where the gifts come from (and not believing in a Santa Claus etc.). I just asked my friends, they had similar experiences to me, so I guess it’s a German thing. I plan to keep it „honest“ with my daughter (1,5 years) as well – I just don’t want her to ever have that realization that we lied to her, and she will love Christmas regardless.
At least you owned up to it! My mom made me tell my little sister the truth about Santa so that she wouldn’t ruin it for our little brother. She was devastated nonetheless. And had very similar epiphanies about the Easter Bunny, etc. My sister was 10 and I was 12. My mom feels terrible about it now, the fact that the burden to lighten the blow was left up to me. Fortunately, we all move on.
I think it is much easier if kids find out earlier than 9. My mom truly believed till she was 12, and then she was the laughing-stock of her class and terribly embarrassed. She vowed that her kids would not have to face that, so there was always a sort of wink-wink attitude about Santa when I was little. My kids were probably 5 when they figured it out (or a friend at kindergarten announced the truth). I suspect that more of your daughter’s friends know already and are just playing along for her. It is not good to be the last kid to figure it out!
Does this mean you have to buy her the gym mat now????
I’m so sorry that your talk with your daughter about Santa was so painful. It sounds like you did the right thing. She is old enough to know the truth and putting off the inevitable probably wouldn’t help. I hope she’ll realize this sooner rather than later.
I would like to offer some perspective (as a former child – long, long ago, in a land far away) for new parents. Everyone is different, but I think the following approach worked well for me and my siblings:
Gifts from Santa were always spoken of by my parents as wonderful surprises, not something to be expected. Waiting for the surprises increased the excitement and fun of Christmas. We might make lists or specific requests, but these were wishes – nothing more.
I think this made the inevitable realization that Santa doesn’t exist easier. Even as a child, I never understood why anyone would be angry about the truth or think this fairytale was a betrayal. It is a fairytale, a lovely game of make believe, and a gift itself. With luck, children will realize this.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Sending a big hug to you both. Thank you for sharing your experience. X
Your daughter asked you a question wanting an honest answer. That is what will stick with her. She can trust you. Well done.
Awww…. that’s tough but either way it was going to suck and it’s great you’ve always been honest and she figured it out for herself. Don’t be so hard on yourself!!!
We’re wandering into the territory too (5 + 8).
One thing that might be helpful to other families that we’re done for a few years is make sure Santa only brings 1-2 small presents/something they need to share and the big things they really want are from us – so if they don’t get what they asked for from Santa it’s not such a big deal and he’s not so core to Christmas.
I never comment, but I couldn’t read and run. You should be so proud of yourself that you used your instincts to parent your kids (both maintain the Santa myth and telling her when she asked). It’s so hard not to just raise our kids the way we were raised, or the way that their peers are being raised, but they are individuals and you know them best. You sound like such a loving, considerate and thoughtful mum that I’m sure you’ll look both eventually look back on this as a core memory where you maintained her trust.
I always answered those questions by saying “no, of course I don’t KNOW if Santa is real or not, I have never seen Santa. But I want to believe in Santa because I want to believe in magic. And you can decide if you believe even if you don’t see him.” I think that this is the perfect “in between” answer.
As the mom of a 7 year old, just wanted to say thank you for this brave and thoughtful (and extremely relevant to my family) post 💛
You did the right thing, the right way. Your daughter is allowed to feel sadness in growing up. My kids are now 12 and 14, I was honest when they asked and they haven’t believed in years however presents do still appear under the tree and beside their beds on Xmas morning. Don’t stop with the magic even when they know it’s all a game of make believe.
Also though, in regards to asking Santa for expensive things., in our house Santa has never brought the big presents, this has been deliberate because when my kids were little I read a quote basically saying that kids can understand that Sam’s parents might earn more than Tom’s but they can’t understand why Santa would bring Sam a bike and Tom only a ball. So that’s more a tip for readers with younger kids, always make it clear that iPads or bikes or anything expensive is from mum and dad, and let Santa bring small toys and candy.
That’s the other thing about Santa, every family does it differently. Growing up all the gifts and stocking stuffers were from Santa. I don’t recall a single gift from my mom & dad. The year I received my first American Girl it was hidden in the house because Santa knew it would be fun to play hot & cold.
This was so interesting to read and heartfelt. As someone without kids I can only relate to it from Elliot’s perspective. I was exactly like her, very hardcore about believing in Santa for a long time. I think I was probably ten by the time I decided for myself what was going on. But I was so intent on believing that I never asked my parents (I think subconsciously I knew the answer). I know they would have responded just like you because they never lied to us about anything, and that instilled something very important in me – I never lie to people about anything, ever (unless it’s something dumb to protect their feelings). I think that’s a more important lesson than forcing the Santa thing forever. I kind of feel like Santa the way I feel about God. I’ve never really believed in “God” per se, in the religious way. But I do believe in the collective energy that comes together to create a collective spiritual, energetic connection between all humans that binds us and makes us a unit and a family. Santa is similar, the beauty and joy of giving, warmth, celebration, generosity, and love is real.… Read more »