Ramblings of a new mom …
Well folks, you may have noticed that i’ve been really busy lately by my lack of posting. Do you know how much time it takes to properly shape the mind of a newborn? So many hours. It includes lots of kisses to the feet, lots of fingers playing air piano on the belly, and making up of some of the most ridiculous lyrics/songs that you want to both tape for posterity and erase from your memory. I’ve been BUSY.
Then there is the napping on you, napping with you and you figuring out how and when the hell they should actually be napping. Charlie is 10 weeks old now and things are still physically manageable, just emotionally overwhelming. He’s sleeping enough, thank god, but I realized that one of the reasons that women are more exhausted post motherhood isn’t because we sleep less, necessarily, but because during the waking hours we are busy containing our emotions and large amounts of love. I love him so much it truly is daunting and coping with that stress is just mind-numbingly draining at times, in a good way. … See? Thats why they say that people with kids are “less happy” then people without kids. I’ve never been happier in my life to the point that I cry happy tears all the time, and yet I’m worried every second of the day that i’m going to accidentally crack his head open on the stairs, or that every car on the road is going to lose control for no reason at any moment and hit our car. My best friend had a reoccuring fear that someone was going to break into her house and shoot her baby up with heroine because she saw it on the news once. I mean, no wonder there are more women in mental institutes than men. No wonder moms can be kinda batty. This stuff is super intense EVERY SINGLE SECOND of the day.
Anyway. I’ve been working a lot but mostly when he’s asleep, with Brian or when he’s chilling and fine just sitting next to me in his bouncer. We moved that little table up into the living room that way I can work from here when I want to be near him, and in the office downstairs when I need to do conference calls, etc. I tried having him in on a conference call and he was rather inarticulate and off message in general.
That was my afternoon on Saturday for an hour which was so wonderful I could have cried. That is until he was like, ‘Oh yeah? You want to cry? Well check this out.’ and he decided to do the crying for me for 25 minutes. Such a baby.
But most of the time he’s pretty mellow. He likes to stick his tongue out like his father taught him, and he likes to hum and growl while he’s eating as if every drop is the most delicious thing in the world (also like his father … only with actual food obviousy). He likes to flail his arms around when he’s frustrated like he’s dramatically typing a letter, which we in turn then audibly narrate – usually pretending it is to the CPS about our parenting skills. “Dear Ma’am and Sir, These people really have no idea what they are doing … “
Having a kid makes every day both really important and really unimportant at the same time. Let me explain: Its really important because the way I drive, every word that comes out of my mouth, every time decision I make effects something so much larger. I watch every step I take up and down the stairs when i’m holding him so that I don’t slip fall and kill one of us. Ugh, its stressful.
But at the same time nothing matters as long as Brian and Charlie are alive. We could lose the house, I could lose my limbs, I could be publicly shamed by something I said taken out of context and never be able to work again, and I would just chant to myself, ‘At least Brian and Charlie are still alive’ and i’d recover. Before I had Charlie when I received bad news about work or a client was upset and refusing to pay for something they approved, I would think, ‘Well, at least I wasn’t a ‘cellar kid‘, referring to babies (yes there have been multiple cases) who are raised in basements their entire lives by insidious parents. It sounds super dark to think about constantly but it puts everything in perspective instantly. Some people never had a chance at a good life. I am not one of those people and therefore have a lot of be grateful for. And now my ‘cellar kid’ is Charlie’s life. As long as he is alive then i’ll be grateful every day no matter what else happens. Or else this is this the new mom hormone talking. Who knows.
Controlling, processing and verbalizing a mothers love is endless, difficult and totally unbelievably wonderful. It’s like every day is a huge surprise party with all of your favorite family and friends. And then Ryan Reynolds, Betty White and Melissa McCarthy show up and do a comedic one act play they wrote just for you. Its a lot of happiness to process. Every. Single. Day.
So thats what i’ve been up to – squeezing toes, rubbing heads, endlessly kissing cheeks and coming to terms with the fact that the obsession is probably just one sided for now. I just love him so much I want to consume him, eat him, devour him up … in a good way. I know i’m not alone, right?