I turn 40 tomorrow, so to celebrate, I spent about 26 hours writing a post that was titled “The 40 Things You Don’t Know About Me,” mostly because I love a good self-reflection marathon and treat self-indulgence like a sport. I thought it would be “fun” and “easy” but it was probably the most daunting, and then eye-opening thing I’ve written in a long while, where I realized some real patterns that I hadn’t seen before, and could trace where they came from. It was like watching the Emily Henderson bio-pic as an outsider and as the 40 years went by, I found it, well, first, rather entertaining, with plot twists that I can now see were unexpected, at the same time I can now see how it all makes sense. Your patterns don’t just come from nowhere; your triggers aren’t random. Your childhood and teenage years really affect who you are in a way that is kinda terrifying as a parent myself to confront.
I’m not ready to publish it in its current form. I think it’s more of a series of essays—it was already 22 pages which no one wants to read. Also, not having the gene for embarrassment and rarely shame makes it hard for me to remember that there are many others in my life who value their privacy. BORING.
I will say this: I knew this would happen, you hear about it all the time, but turning 40 does mean giving less f*cks. It means that I make more choices for me and my family. There is so much more ownership of your experiences and you start being like “thank god that terrible thing happened, because I am now ______ because of it.” I feel the need to prove nothing to anybody and I have become so clear with my limitations, boundaries and expectations from everyone. Almost in a cold way which I would like to improve on.
Going forward, I want to focus on my relationships with those in my life who I’m so strongly connected to, on putting even more inspiration and positivity into the world, on working on all my vulnerabilities and exposing them even more. I’ve hustled so hard, all through my 20s and 30s, I’m honestly exhausted, so guess what? IT’S TIME TO ENJOY IT.
There might be some big moves this year, some pivots and shifts that will be shocking but not necessarily surprising. It’s all REALLY GOOD STUFF, I promise.
I’ve got to go. I’m up at the mountain house with my family and some friends, playing a mean game of Uno with a 3 and 5 year old, sipping a glass of champagne.
Have a lovely weekend. xx