Welcome to our first anonymously written post, mostly because our partners made us promise. We’ve toyed with doing this at EHD as a way to keep our privacy (and privacy of our partners/family/friends) while being able to dive into what we really talk about in the office. Valentine’s Day is approaching and most of us don’t want diamonds, all we really want is a way to connect more. You know, to feel in love with our partner. And a side of butterflies wouldn’t hurt. Rumor has it that sex can get stale. It can even start to feel like an obligation, another box to check, after years of marriage and especially after having kids. But intimacy is SO important, and sex is how a lot of couples feel that intimacy. So in addition to the usual “For Him/For Her” gift guide (stay tuned), this year we’ve crowdsourced from all the women we know (and some men) ways/ideas/products to help bring some romance back, excite us a bit, and to help us “connect” more with our partners in the bedroom. Life is long so why not put some effort in and keep having some fun.
*Please note that these are direct quotes from our ANONYMOUS friends and selves about stuff they/we LOVE and have worked for them/us. Everyone will be anonymous, mostly to save partners from embarrassment from their moms who likely read this blog.
**And a warning – While we think these suggestions are about getting romantic, connecting and having fun in healthy consensual relationships, we also suggest that Emily’s parents (or those that might feel uncomfortable talking about sex) stop reading right here. 🙂
1. Dispea Podcast: “If you like reading romance novels (me!!) and like listening to podcasts (me!!) then throw on this erotic, not cheesy, story podcast after crawling into bed and see if it works. In my experience just turning it on, turns us on. However, my male partner wants to note that this is more for women than men. I countered with, ‘well, if it works for women isn’t it also for men if you know what I mean?’ He concurred. But be warned that perhaps both partners might not like these stories equally.”
2. The Spicer App: “This app is so fun. It presents activities and ideas and lets you “like” the things you would feel comfortable doing (separately from your partner, so you can answer as honestly as possible). Once you’re both done you get a list, but only see the activities that both you and your partner both “liked”. You can play “dares” or just see what you both are into. It’s fun and just the act of filling out the questions gets us both excited.”
3. Modern and Pretty Lingerie: Duh. But, a lot of us struggle with lingerie because not only can it be actually unflattering, but there is something so “come hither” cheesy about it – almost like putting on a costume, which sure, can be fun but feels kinda false for a regular basis. Historically lingerie brands have done anything BUT empower women, instead they have been another cog in the objectification machine and been a huge source of body shaming. We found Lonely Label lingerie on Instagram and it looks so pretty and modern. Please note all the beautiful women on their site are of many different sizes, shapes, colors, and ages. EXACTLY. Goodbye Victoria Secret.
4. OMGYES: “I found out about “OMGYES” through an Instagram ad, prominently featuring a photo of Emma Watson (who is a big supporter of the site). Think of it like Skillshare for the big O. You pay a one-time fee, which grants you access to an entire archive of informative and eye-opening videos from women of all ages, sharing their experiences and techniques. It’s not porn, and it’s not just text-based articles with diagrams. It’s kinda like chatting in your living room with your best friends, except your best friends are women’s pleasure experts. Learning about your own sexual pleasure only benefits your relationship and a lot of us weren’t taught ANYTHING. Let’s all get more informed.”
5. Eva II: “This discreet and insanely pleasurable little guy changed our sex life. If you feel like you have a hard time ‘getting there’ when having sex, this will make that a non-issue. But if you don’t want to make that investment, multiple women highly recommended this. Also I haven’t tried this but would sure love it – can anybody recommend it?”
6. Take a Sexy Photo: “Whenever I feel a little unsexy and perhaps slightly insecure about my looks I find that taking a naked or sexy mirror pic makes me feel like a new woman. A lot of the times I don’t even share the photos with my partner (but that can help set the mood, too). I just find that simply giving myself space and opportunity to love myself helps open me up to express that love with my partner. But if you do feel comfortable sharing this with your partner, it can be fun and exciting to throw on some lingerie and have them take some photos of you. Don’t be afraid to treat yourself like you are an exquisite masterpiece – because you are.”
7. Pop on a Steamy Movie Or TV Show: We’re not talking porn. Most women (and men) know the power of “The Notebook”, but a lot of guys don’t necessarily feel cool pressing play on that one. But there are some shows and movies that are less, “50 Shades of Ryan Gosling on a ferris wheel,” and more “Rugged Scottish warriors and vampires”. Our favorites are Outlander, True Blood, and even Dirty Dancing.
8. Turn Up Some Music: “This may be the oldest trick in the book. And when we say music – think romance, not sex. We’ve always struggled with selecting that right music choice. While I don’t mind ‘Let’s Get It On’ on the dance floor, there is something too ‘on the nose’ about it in the bedroom. This is highly specific per each couple out there, but I almost suggest more thinking about it romantically. One example: Play ‘your song’ – the one you did for your first dance.”
9. Pamper Yourself Into The Mood: “Everyone has different things that make them feel sexy. For me, feeling relaxed, soft, and smooth make me feel very sexy. I love taking a warm bath (with a candle because sometimes a cliche works) and using Frank Body Scrub to get my skin super soft and smooth. Then when I get out I like to use Fur Oil (actually TWO people swore by this) and then throw on something comfortable but that shows off all my soft skin, like a satin set.”
10. Celebrate Your Partner, Publicly and Privately: “This is coming from me, Emily Henderson, not anonymous. I think that making your partner feel like they are the best, not just with an ‘I love you’ but really letting them know why, what is it about them that you love, why are they so great is the best way to feel connected. And don’t be afraid to call out physical attributes – men like to be complimented as much as women.”
Now we’d love to hear from you. What makes you feel good and empowered in the bedroom? Let’s talk about sex (and romance), baby. xx
On the lingerie site, they are maybe all kind of models, but they didn’t have to look like little girls. You see what I mean. They are way past the puberty :/
When you claim to be for real women, be real!
But the women featured on Lonely don’t look underage to me at all – there’s even an older woman with entirely gray hair.
There are censorship issues re: public hair – so for an ad, age limits/sites that defined hair as sexual/pornographic would severely limit your brand.
It’s ridiculous that pubic hair is seen as sexual where lingerie is not, but that’s the society they’re working in, don’t blame the brand!
There’s still no reason they couldn’t show it on their own site. Billie does it all the time, even in instagram ads.
Since the models on the Lonely site pretty clearly range in age more than most models, I think you’re talking about a lack of pubic hair. If this is the case, I see your point. I would be happy to see a less-waxed person modeling lingerie, but there are a number of reasons why the company chose the way they did. If you look at the comments on the Billie razor site, they frequently get vomit emojis and disgusting comments about the fact that a razor company shows the razor removing actual hair from women’s bodies. In any case, I’d like to celebrate the fact that Lonely doesn’t airbrush away their models’ actual body parts (areolas, etc.) the way that most lingerie brands do. They seem pretty darn progressive, at least aesthetically, to me.
I don’t know, the model with the mullet has some pubic hair! Also, I am too lazy to get rid of mine fully but if I was going to model a swimsuit or lingerie, you had better believe I’d get a wax first…
Waxing is a choice and many women make it, for lots of reasons. I did it before a beach trip, and I was amazed at how much more confident I felt in my bikinis. I also found that I felt *much* sexier in my lingerie when I was waxed. I am not surprised that a lingerie company would choose to have waxed models. It puts the focus on the product.
I’d wholeheartedly recommend Emily Nagoski’s book ‘Come as you are’ if you want to understand more about what can drive or impede connection and intimacy. And in fact, what she says about stress is really useful for life in general.
Thank you for the recommendation!
I second Emily Nagoski’s book “Come As You Are”. And while we’re on the subject of books, my husband read “She Comes First” by Ian Kerner, and lets just say…we both HIGHLY recommend it for every person who wants to learn how to better please a woman.
I’m in the market for a good read – definitely ordering this!
Doctor’s (urologist) check up to start.
Yes, a urology appt to rule out physical factors, and then psychotherapy/sex therapy with a therapist who specializes in ED. This suggestion isn’t to pathologize the penis-having partner — on the contrary, therapy can really help to normalize the fact that penises act weirdly sometimes, while also giving specific logistical and psychological tips and tricks to try.
If it’s physical and not physiological then the little blue pill is great. I also dated someone with ED and the pill was one of the only ways we could have penetrative sex. Takes a bit of planning but worth it. If he hasn’t already tried it then it certainly doesn’t hurt to give it a go at least once after speaking with a doctor.
Getting a check up as someone suggested would be the first point though, the main cause of ED is hardening of the small arteries caused by things like diabetes, high blood pressure, smoking and high cholesterol.
If pills wont work or he doesn’t want to take them every time, you could also try an aid for the penetrative part to enhance the act in the moment. It might not be exactly the same but may help to give you the full feeling when with him.
Sexy movie “The Big Easy” when Dennis Quaid is seducing Ellen Barkin. Whoa.
Love the inclusiveness of this post! Skipping the heteronormative gendered stuff AND acknowledging that sex is not the only way to be intimate with a partner. Xoxo
We really wanted the post to feel inclusive and so happy that’s how you feel:)
Check out Aerie for lingerie. While it’s not technically sold as lingerie, their bralettes and matching underwear are really cute, and flattering for all shapes and sizes. And the price is awesome!
That’s a great tip!
looove aerie’s cute matching sets! so happy to hear you do too 🙂
A great, inclusive lingerie site is https://impishlee.com/. I’ve purchased a few times, and the fit is spot on, because it is all custom. And it’s super fun to design your own. My partner and I have had fun designing something together. I will warn you that the custom aspect makes it pricey, but for a special piece, it’s worth. Also, it’s probably a little late to order to receive by Valentine’s Day, but romance is for anytime.
This is so cool. Thanks for sharing!
suggestion: if linking to an amazon account, maybe note it? I can’t be the only one who shares an amazon account with family members and then has to frantically remove the vibrator from the browsing history!
Elizabeth, SAME EXACT THING here! hahaha
Hahaha hahaha! I didn’t even think of that. Fortunately, I only share it with my husband, and he won’t be the least bit put off.
Just curious how often married couples actually have sex. We don’t nearly as often as we used to and now sometimes it can feel awkward or almost like an obligation to, so it’s hard to get in the moment…
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years. We hardly ever have sex. It’s fun when we do, and in that moment I think we should do it more often. Then several months fly by, and it starts to feel awkward again. I’m only in my 30s so I think this can’t be it! I have zero advice, but I sympathize.
We’ve been married 20+ years and are 50+. Were happy when it had “settled” into twice a week, then it went to once a week and now it’s very rarely. It is a big, huge elephant in the room that neither one of us is talking about. It’s a real problem because when you aren’t having sex you are just roommates, and it’s way too easy to get annoyed by little nitpicky things and stop caring about other things. But we are having very serious problems with one of our kids right now that is a huge factor. Just typing this is making me cry.
Hi there, just wanted to say thank you for sharing and I’m sorry you are going through so much right now. I think that is a big issue with us as well. We have two kids that we added to our family through adoption and the amount of trauma and issues was far more difficult to navigate as parents than we knew going in 4 years ago. We have been in survival mode for the past 4 years so it’s been hard to connect as a couple. One thing that I will say that helped us is that we went on a week long vacation ALONE this past Summer and it helped revitalize us as a couple. Now we’re back in our normal routines, but I do think it helped us move forward as a couple and remind us why we fell in love in the first place.
Ugh. My husband and I struggled with this for many years (married for 15). However, we faced a major trial nearly a year ago which changed things. First, it lead to us opening up about some deep-seated issues we hadn’t discussed before, mostly from before we met. Second, it led to a lifestyle change. I am a morning person; he is a night owl–we used to go to bed hours apart and never cuddled in bed. Now, we go to bed at the same time, play a crossword game together and cuddle in bed, and then spoon until we fall asleep. Because we have kids, we also lock our bedroom door every time we are in there alone.
It’s amazing how much these little things have done to normalize intimacy and retrain us to remember that sex is *always* on the table. And it is.
One other thing–practice saying yes. That helped me a lot. Just always being open to my husband’s advances or ideas in bed. It made sex more fun, and my husband felt much more loved and respected.
Stress, work, housework, laundry, kids, sleep deprivation…….a BIG glass of wine once or twice a week if you need a motivator and put on something lacey that you feel good in under a robe or clothes. Can help get your mind going which is where it starts 🙂
My physical therapist recommended the BEST lube that also has the added benefit of having really clean, medical grade ingredients.
https://www.ahyes.org/
On the other hand, the Trojan Fire & Ice condoms are…. whew, on fiya!
Not clean, but definitely fun and kind of cheesy in a fantastic way
that was great
https://mimazy.com/
My husband and I reached a point where we could be really, really honest about all of our fantasies and curiosities…and then slowly started implementing them. Even if you don’t try them, just having that conversation can increase a sense of trust and intimacy–and the visuals it creates are almost effective as the real thing. I think this is especially helpful for couples who have been together a long time. It’s fun encouraging to discover you still have more to learn about each other!
For Christmas my husband surprised me with the Womanizer, which is different than a vibrator. We joked about it and then it showed up Christmas morning! It’s pricey but WOW super worth it if you are like me and need some extra help climaxing.