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Perhaps you buy me flowers, no?


Dios mio,  I do love flowers.  In fact, I’ve never met a flower I didn’t like.  You might say, what about Carnations? Baby’s Breath? Daisies?  I like them all. Not all the time, but any flower can have it’s moment in the right vessel, for the righty party, mixed with other perfect flowers.




When a client says specifically that they don’t like a particular flower, like ‘I hate Lilies’, I just think, ‘Hmm. It must be so sad to be such a flower racist’.  And I get it, I would never buy Gerber Daisies for my house, but for a kids party they can be adorable.  And yes, pink Carnations do connote eighties cheese, but mixed with other pink and white Peonies, they can look beautiful.  Actually the flower that I struggle with the most is the mass-produced red rose.  I find them pretty cheezy, in general.  BUT, if you put them in warm water, open them way way up, I’m talking ‘falling apart’ open, cut them short, leave on the leaves and shove them in a mason jar, they can be pretty.  Flowers are just pretty things. Deal with it.


I have a few theories on flowers, if you must know.  First:  Anything that holds water is a vase.  And yes I’m pronouncing ‘vase’  like ‘race’ not, ‘vase’, like ’cause’, but if you think you are fancy enough, (I’m talkin’ Rockafeller fancy) feel free to call it the latter.  Anyway, bowls are vases, jam jars are vases, planters, bottles, mason jars…anything that holds water.  A sofa, for instance is not a vase; neither is a book.  You get the idea. that’s my first theory.



Second is:  The more you arrange, the more it will look fake.  What’s so beautiful about flowers is how they are little sculptures, each completely unique.  If you cut off a lot of their leaves, shove them next to others so tight they suffocate, and ensure ‘perfect symmetry’ (robot voice) then in my opinion you just wasted money and performed floral sacrilege.  It will look fake and fussy – exactly the opposite of what flowers are supposed to be.  I’ve been to sooo many events where I can tell the flowers costs thousands, and I just click my teeth, and think, ‘shame, shame’, because by trying to be perfect they’ve taken a lot of the beauty out of some of the most beautiful things in the world.   My favorite arrangement will always be one that looks like you went in your backyard, picked some flowers and popped them in a vessel you saw.  They are open, full, maybe mixed with weeds, not necessarily in a color palette; just letting the flowers do their thing.  Flowers being flowers.  Of course, that takes more effort than it looks, and you might have to own a backyard near a running body of water…in Sweden, but that’s the vibe I’m always going for.


3rd theory:  Branches and weeds, super underrated.  Branches are cheap, last sooo long and make a huge impact.  They are sold at the flower market year round – and are especially cheap and beautiful in the fall when all the farmers have to prune their trees, the branches are dripping with blossoms.  And there are sooo many weeds that are underrated – Queen Annes Lace, for instance:


I guess technically any native flower is a weed, but they get such a bad rap anyway.  Besides queen anne’s lace, white Daisies and Bouganvilliea are all weeds.   Most weeds are wild, natural, hearty and cheap; like me, and, well… kentucky bourbon.



4th theory:  When in doubt, buy Peonies.  Gentlemen, buy your special sweetheart some peonies – skip the roses and tulips, and for god sake the supermarket ‘holiday’ arrangement. Splurge on the most beautiful flower that never gets old, never is trendy, and so far isn’t mass produced enough that it’s lost its unique coloring and shape (pink flowers above; huge, petally, and undeniably beautiful by anybody’s standards).  In April/ May/ June, they are cheap, but off season they are a pretty penny. And I mean that literally, so pretty, but like 800 pennies per stem. ($8 each, hello).  But even just one beautiful peony will make any girl happy; in fact, peonies just might be the key to getting laid.  They don’t teach you that in ‘the game’ or other ‘how-do-be–a-douche-and-still-bang-chicks- books’.  Nope. PEE-OH-KNEES.  Simple pimple, people.

white-red- flower-arrangement

These were our flowers at our backyard barn wedding. Cindy did them because she is a floral saint, figuratively.  She had absolute control, I gave her a few hundred bucks and told her I wanted gardeny and she went to town, er, the market.  Every bouquet and arrangement was unique and loose, but they all had Queen Annes Lace, garden roses (b/c peonies were out of the question, financially), Blushing Brides (which are f-ing awesome, they are the white flowers in this picture) and whatever else floated her floral boat.  So pretty I want to curse. But it’s sunday, and it’s tacky to curse on sundays.


p.s.  I fetching love peonies.


credits: first 2,  He’s pretty much one of the best photographers ever.
3rd – Sibella Court
4th. Johnny Miller
5th, 6th, Robyn Glaser
7th, Gayle Brooker, styled by Cindy Diprima.


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